Falling in Love - the What's and Why's

When asked the question, "What is love?", there are generally several different answers. According to Wikipedia love is defined as, "A variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranged from interpersonal affection to pleasure. It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment" (Love, 2016). I went around my college campus and asked several students what they thought love was, and I received a wide range of answers. Some of my personal favorites include: 

• "Love is something that can't really be explained, you just feel it, you know?"
• "When you care for someone more than you care for yourself. Their happiness is your happiness, and you only want the best for that person."
• "When you don't mind their morning breath."

C and I during the Color Tour, 2015

You may be wondering what my view is on love, and trust me, I'll get to that. But before I do, a little bit about myself. I am a female engineering student and I'm from a small town community from lower Michigan. I love cats more than dogs and find enjoyment in reading long books and going on hikes. More importantly, I have been in a committed relationship for a couple of years with another engineering student, C. I like to think that we are a great couple, and I can truly say that I've never been happier than I am with him by side.

While I generally don't like to analyze my personal life, I find the psychological theories and explanations of why I fell in love with C extremely intriguing. I hope that you will choose to follow along with my story of how I met, became friends with, and ultimately fell in love with C, while applying the different theories from social psychology. 

The Initial Reaction

I first met C the start of my first year on campus. We met completely accidentally. In fact, I didn't really even like him. We met through a mutual friend at a comedian performance. Our mutual friend decided to invite the both of us, but not tell us that they were inviting the other person. My memory of the situation, while funny now, is very unpleasant. We spent most of the time bickering or ignoring each other. Our mutual friend ended up sitting in between us the during the whole show, and afterwards we all immediately parted ways. I honestly never thought that I would see C ever again, and at the time, I was pretty okay with that. However, once the school year set in, I found that every other day for lunch, he would sit with the same group of people that I did. 

As the weeks progressed, we actually became extremely good friends. C and I would hang out alone on the weekends, and I even found myself doing homework with him on some nights. Of course, him and I would still sit with the same group of people every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for meals, but I never would have expected that I would ever spend personal time with him, more than once, after our first encounter. 

So, why did I?

According the social psychology theories, there are two main principles that can explain why we became as close as we did: The Proximity Effect and the Mere Exposure Effect.

The Proximity Effect

The proximity effect states that social interactions tend to spark between people who live near each other. The friends that we make solely depends on where we choose to live.  Research supports that, "college students tend to date those who live nearby or in similar housing" (Kassin et. al, 2014). C and I both chose to live in the Houghton area to obtain our degrees, and for the first year we both lived on campus. This allowed us to eat all meals together and go to many campus events at the same time. Due to the fact that we did have unlimited opportunities to share the experiences, we began to have more in common and were able to bond. Being around C more and more also exemplifies the other principle,

The Mere Exposure Effect

The phenomenon whereby the more often people are exposed to a stimulus, the more positively they evaluate that stimulus (Kassin et. al, 2014). My first interaction with C was not a good one. I did not connect with him very well, and I believed that there was no friendship to be made there. But as time went on, and the more that I was exposed to him and everything about him, I became to look at him more positively. Before I knew what was happening, I looked forward to hearing about his day and listening to his stories about his weird professor or past memories from before coming to college. While this concept may seem weird, it actually isn't. A study conducted by Reiss and colleagues (2011) demonstrated that the more interactions people have, the more likely we are to want to keep in touch (Kassin et. al, 2014). This concept held more than true with C and I.


So, C and I had a lot going for us. We were similar in the fact that we were both new to the area, engineering students, had the same living conditions, and were a part of the same group of friends. This leads me to the next big question: Was I attracted to C, or did I just enjoy his company? According to the Two-Stage Model of the Attraction Process, I was indeed attracted to him.

Figure 9.6 from book. Demonstrates the two-stage model of attraction (Kassin et. al, 2014). 

According to the model, you become attracted to someone you meet when you are not dissimilar and the similarities are high. With C and I, we have our differences, but most of who we are individually are extremely similar to one another. We both came from the lower part of Michigan, in fact we grew up 40 minutes away from each other. We both have, and appreciate, a dry sense of humor. Most of our initial interactions were sarcastic and snide comments, that we would both then laugh at. Furthermore, C has looks that are very similar to me, and we generally are attracted to those who look and think like us (Kassin et. al, 2014). C and I came a very long way from the first semester on campus to the second, but little did we know the true connection that we shared.

From "Just Friends" to Beyond

I like to believe that there is a tipping point with everything in life. In every subject or aspect of your day to day interactions, there comes a moment when everything happens all at once and changes everything. This happened for C and I in late January. Following this specific tipping point, C and I became to be what we are today - best friends in the best kind of relationship. Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love (for a great explanation of this topic (Long-Crowell, 2003), check out this video here) and the three basic components of an intimate relationship can be used to better explain how and why C and I became "more than friends".

Figure 9.12 from book. Demonstrates Sternberg's Love Triangle (Kassin et. al, 2014). 

According to Sternberg's theory, there are eight different types of love. In my personal opinion, I believe that every effective relationship goes through different phases of the love triangle before ending in the middle of the triangle, where everything is balanced. When I first met C, there were no aspects of the triangle that I felt. This indicates that I felt "nonlove" towards him. It wasn't until the weeks that followed that I started to feel the corners of the triangle. First, I started to like him. He became a very good friend and I felt close to him. I enjoyed being in his company and hoped to see him everyday. This demonstrates the top of the triangle: Intimacy. Not quite to a love stage, but liking.

As weeks progressed, I began to spend much more time with him. We started talking more, and I loved talking with him because he would listen and give me his honest feedback. C and I began to have Companionate Love, the combination of commitment and intimacy. Companionate love is defined as a secure, trusting, stable relationship that can be found between close friends and lovers (Kassin et. al, 2014). C and I had just that. I trusted him and I knew he trusted me. We had the kind of friendship that I had always wanted growing up, and it was so refreshing.

Winter break came around and I was finding myself in a tough spot. My grandma was very sick and I spent most of my holiday in the hospital with her and my family. C was there for me, even when miles and miles away, to listen to me talk and cry and to be the biggest support I had ever had. For the first time in our friendship, I began to feel passion towards him. My heart would begin to race when I would think of him and I felt a wave of happiness every time he called or texted. Thus, once returning from break - I told him how I really felt. In the following weeks and months, C and I would come to find that our relationship fell within the center of the triangle - Consummate Love.

As time has progressed, C and I have developed a strong and lasting relationship based on all three components to a intimate relationship (Kassin et. al, 2014):

C and I on our hiking adventure through Copper Harbor, 2015

1. Intimacy - An emotional component to the relationship. These emotions generally involve liking the other person and feeling close to them. 
2. Passion - The motivational component. This motivation includes drives that trigger attraction to the other person, as well as as romance and sexual desire. 
3. Commitment - A cognitive component that reflects the decision to be in a long-term commitment with a loved partner. 

Of course, nothing comes easy. C and I have put a lot of work into making this relationship work. We both believe in strong communication and helping each other have a meaningful influence on the other. I am his rock when he needs it, and he is the biggest support system I've ever had. We consistently work on having all three components to the love triangle. 

Love and be Loved

C and I are lucky to have found each other and to build a lasting relationship with each other. I didn't mean to fall in love with him, but I did and I couldn't be happier. I encourage you to evaluate your own love story - Does it follow the same theories, or does it vary slightly? How were you attracted to your partner? Are there aspects of your relationship that you want to work on or change in order to obtain consummate love? (Are you curious to see where your relationship falls on Sternberg's triangle? Check out this quiz to find out: Take the Quiz! )

C and I celebrating his hard-work and achievements, 2016

Love is a tricky thing. I truly believe that the definition of love lies within having a strong friendship with your partner, and then falling for them almost accidentally. I would define love as giving your full attention and commitment to someone and only wanting the best for them. I would define it as when looking at someone, nothing else in the room even matters. Love is being there for them, regardless of the time or reason. I am so happy to say that I have found that - and I encourage all of you to go out and do the same!  

Social psychology has helped me to identify how and why I fell in love the way I did, and I hope that it can help you to do the same. I would love to hear any stories or comments you may have - so comment below! 

 “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” Dr. Suess (Geisel, 2014)







References

Geisel, T. S. (2014, February 14). We Fall Into Mutually Satisfying Weirdness and Call It Love. Retrieved April 13, 2016, from http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/02/14/love-weird/

Kassin, S., Fein, S., & Markus, H. R. (2014). Social Psychology (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Jon-David Hague. 

Long-Crowell, E. (2003-2016). Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Definition, Examples & Predictions - Video & Lesson Transcript | Study.com. Retrieved April 13, 2016, from http://study.com/academy/lesson/sternbergs-triangular-theory-of-love-definition-examples-predictions.html

Love. (2016, March 31). Retrieved April 13, 2016, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

Whitebourne, S. K., Ph.D. (2013, August 17). Which of the 7 Types of Love Relationships Fits Yours? Retrieved April 13, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201308/which-the-7-types-love-relationships-fits-yours